Letters from Heaven
by destinybond17
Summary: "Where are you, darling? Everyone keeps saying that you are in a better place, but where exactly is it supposed to be? Don't worry if that's really far away, I can start my journey right now and I'm sure we can soon be together again." Magnus/Alec.
1. Letter 1

**Author's Note:** _All right. This was just an idea yesterday, and I honestly don't know if this is good enough, but… I feel like writing something sad about Malec, so here it is. It's really short, but there is a whole story behind these letters, here is the first one, I'm planning to do about 20 of them, but I don't know how that turns out. _

**Warning:** _It doesn't contain any heavy action, there are just letters. So if you're not interested in reading letters, there is nothing else here_

**Disclaimer:** _I do not own The Mortal Instruments, it belongs to Cassandra Clare, just like all the characters in this fic._

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My dearest Alexander,

It's been 47 days since you've… left. Where are you, darling?

Everyone keeps saying that you are in a better place, but where exactly is it supposed to be? Don't worry if that's really far away, I can start my journey right now and I'm sure we can soon be together again.

Our bed seems so cold without you, and Chairman Meow doesn't even purr anymore, he misses you so much. I know I should embrace the fact that you're… gone, but I just can't. And no, I won't say _this _word. Because if I did, then this would all be over. You know I'm not good at saying goodbye even though I had to do this with so many people.

It hurts so much… It hurts, not being able to see your face, to touch you, to fall asleep and wake up with you. Instead I keep waking up alone, tortured by nightmares, screaming your name and realising that you're not by my side. But even nightmares are better than facing reality. This terrible world you're not part of anymore.

Isabelle visits me sometimes, asking me if I'm okay, even though she knows what my answer will be. Jace stepped by once or twice too, but just to clear your sister's intentions – she's checking up on me because she's afraid I can do something stupid. Why do they care, Alec? There's no point… I'm dead man already, I don't even do magic anymore, because it failed me when I needed it the most.

The thought that I couldn't save you haunts me all the time. It's my fault… This is all my fault… I should have died instead, and if that was possible I would. Exchange my life for yours… Tempting offer. Maybe I could watch over you, see you having an opportunity to live your life… I've lived mine already, so it should have been me. I don't know if you're reading it over my shoulder, but if you do, then please, please, know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you had to die. Sorry that I couldn't save you. Sorry that I am such a useless monster.

Yours forever and always,

Magnus

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**Thank you for reading and please, review because every single review makes me so so so so happy, I love reading them :) They encourage me to write more **


	2. Letter 2

**Author's Note:** Here goes the second one. I hope you guys like it, because even though it's not very happy theme, I must say I enjoy writing this.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Mortal Instruments or any character in this fic, they all belong to Cassandra Clare.

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Dear Magnus,

I don't know what to say, because I've never imagined myself dying so early. Deep inside I expected to die young, but all the time we wasted wondering what will it be like when I grow old and you won't… It seems ridiculous now. I have no idea where I am. If that's heaven – I can't feel it.

Of course I read over your shoulder. I always loved watching you work. But it really sucks, that you can't read what I write, there are so many things I'd love to say to you…

See, I'm always by your side, even if you don't realise that. I try to wipe away your tears when you cry for me. I try to comfort you when you scream because of the nightmare you have. But I can't ever reach you, and it kills me. It's killing me. Ironic, huh? That's a weird feeling – dying inside when you're already dead.

I hate to see you like this, Magnus. Don't do this. Move on, live, be happy. That's all I want for you. You can't mourn forever.

I spend a lot of time with Max, I was surprised when I got rewarded with his presence. He told me that he is not sad and that I shouldn't be too. When I was thinking about death, I thought I would land in some dark pit of misery, without anyone and anything I can hold on. There would be nothing… nothingness. Now I'm grateful that I can still see you, even though I can never touch you or talk with you. But I speak to you, Magnus. I lay beside you, and since I can't sleep, I'm just watching you and say everything that I couldn't say when I was alive. Everything that I was afraid to say. Everything that I wanted to say and never did.

You know, the worst part of it is that we only had like five years together. I remember all the mistakes I've done and I want to apologize, but it's too late… I will never apologize to you for all these stupid fights that I started. That I didn't have it in me to just trust you, when you said you don't wanna talk about your past. But it's frustrating, that I will never really know anything about you.

I know how you were with me – kind, caring, selfless, loving… You were – _are _– amazing, Magnus. Don't you dare to think another way. You are tough, you will survive. There were many deaths in your life and you always survived. This little death of mine won't be the nail to your coffin, I'm sure of that. Just wait a couple of years, darling… Please, stay strong. For me.

Now I see that I was wrong when I told you that all the people in your life were trivial. I thought that you should be with one person and if that person dies, you should never be with anyone again, because it's like cheating. No. I changed my mind when I saw how you hurt now. I don't want you to spend eternity alone.

God, it's so hard. So hard to say goodbye, that's why I won't say it. But I am _dead. _I know you're afraid of this word, but sooner or later you're gonna have to learn how to live with it. Realize, that I won't come back. That I'm _dead._

Great, I was crying so much that the paper got wet and letters are barely visible now. I wish you could read it, I really do. I miss you so much. I miss the way you used to laugh, why aren't you laughing anymore…? I even miss the sight of glitter on your body! It was so… _you._ You, you, you… the only thing I can think about here.

I love you. I always did, and I always will.

Yours,

Alec

PS. Chairman Meow, I thought you hated me, even though it was _me _who always gave you your favorite food(Magnus thought you prefer tuna, but we both know chicken is your thing). Anyway, please, don't be sad. Magnus needs you. Take care of him, since I can't do it anymore.

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**I hope you guys like it, and please please please review :) Thank you for your support 3**


	3. Letter 3

**A/N:** _Thank you all for reading previous letters and for the reviews, I loved each one of them :) I know that story told in letters isn't as exciting and full of action as normal one, but believe me, it has its own story and it's going to tell it._

**Disclaimer:**_ I do not own The Mortal Instruments or any character in this fic. They all belong to Cassandra Clare._

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Dear Alexander,

I have never believed people when they said that with too much thinking comes a danger of being hurt. I chose to believe otherwise – that it's a blessing.

Well, until today.

A cold realization that you're not here has been with me for a long time, but today another one set in.

I've been wishing myself dead since the first day of your absence, but I haven't given much thought about what could possibly happen after. Someone like me – a soulless monster, half demon – can't get access to Heaven. So how can I ever meet you…? How can I see your beautiful face again…?

Dreams. Right. But why am I punished with nightmares only, not some good dreams about you? Do you want to know what I've been dreaming about since… that day?

It's usually the same dream.

I watch you fighting with Jace and Isabelle against a group of demons, I think there is a Greater Demon leading them. You're outnumbered, but with Jace's skills, Isabelle's swiftness and your strength, you don't have any trouble with killing them. You take down one after another, until one of them sneaks behind your back, and Jace and Izzy are too busy with their demons to notice. I try to warn you, but only whistling breath escapes my lips, so I leave my hideout. I'm soundlessly shouting to you, but you don't understand…

_Behind you! Alec, behind you! Look out!_

…and then it's too late. Demon stabs your chest with his long and sharp claws. Your mouth opens and eyes widen in shock. You fall to your knees then to the ground. Blood starts pouring from your wound, you take shallow breaths, the pain slowly starts to overcome you.

And then you die.

I can only stand and stare, while life is slowly being drained from you. Your eyes become empty, mine are full of tears. I couldn't save you and you died. See? I can say it now. You died. You are dead. The love of my life is dead and he won't come back.

Was that supposed to make things better? Because it didn't. You were right when you said that you're going somewhere I can't follow, and you can't stop it or slow it down… But when that finally happened, I just can't believe it.

And it's everything because of what I am. I'm a demon.

Damn you, Alexander Lightwood! No… Damn me! If I could be _normal_… Then maybe everything would be better. But we are stuck. Forced apart by death, but not only by death. I caused that. What did I even get for being a warlock?! This stupid trick with stars on the ceiling? Or maybe the one with changing the colors of drinks?

I should have saved you. I should have _been able_ to save you, Alec. I know what you would say now, if you were here. You would try to make me feel like it isn't my fault. You would say that you love me, but I don't understand how you could love me. I'm nothing. I know everybody always saw the shadow of Jace when they were looking at you, but not me. You were better than him, than me… And as much as I hate to say this – I can't stop wondering how would your life be if you'd never show up in my apartment.

I'm sorry, I'm writing nonsense, but that's because as I go further with this letter I consume more of these fancy liquids that I have stashed just in case of emergency.

And guess what.

This is it.

This is emergency.

I'm in emergency and I need you, so please, come back to me, baby…

Please. I love you so much, and miss you just as much.

Love,

Magnus

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**A/N:** _Thank you for reading, let me know whether you love it or hate it or anything else. :)_


	4. Letter 4

**Author's Note:** _Thank you for all kind words! I hope you will like this letter. I tried to keep it simple, very Alec style._

**Disclaimer:** _I don't own The Mortal Instruments or any character in this fanfic. They all belong to Cassandra Clare._

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Magnus,

Are you insane?! How can you say such things, why would you say that? How many times do I have to tell you that you are NOT a monster and you never were?

Can't you just accept that?

Okay, so you were born a warlock, half demon, but is that really so important? Well, not for me. Because I know better. I know you, Magnus. Maybe not your past, but… It's irrelevant. When I saw you for the first time, I didn't see _the_ _warlock _side of you. I just saw a beautiful man. But then I got to know the other side and loved it immediately. The way you treated me… like I was someone special. Like from all the people in the world, by some kind of a miracle, _I _was the most important to you. I know this may seem selfish, but to feel this way, to feel loved, it was just so good...

To finally be on the first place for someone, maybe that made me selfish, but who cares? There are some situations when you _can not _always be selfless. At some point in your life you will have to face the depths of your own mind, and no one said it was going to be pretty.

And now, you _stupid _warlock, don't you _dare_ wish yourself dead! By the Angel, why, Magnus? I can assure you, that _here _is not better than _there._

You know… These nightmares… I- I have no idea why would you have them. It's not like they are… true. Well… No. But I'm sorry. They must be terrible for you, I had no idea that my death is the thing that tortures you every night. I want to make it better. I hope I could. But it's me who is weak and useless now. Playing scrabble with Max? Sure. Saving the ones I love – no. And that's my own nightmare.

I keep telling myself that it would be easier if you hated me. Sometimes I wish you could hate me. But then I feel that the selfish part of me awakens and tells me that it's the dumbest idea I've had since that one time when I actually tried wearing some of your glitter.

But… I would gladly wear five pounds of glitter on my face every day for the rest of my life if that meant that I could touch you again and be with you again. That's what we always wanted, wasn't it?

I've been also watching over my family and I must admit that they seem to be coping with my death better than you. Why do you stick so hard to the thought that it was your fault? Magic is not a solution to everything, it can't be. And you must let me go. It's for the better. Stop looking back, go forward. I won't be hurt, I promise… Maybe you should spend some more time with them, they could help you. My parents… They may have not approved of our relationship as much as I wanted them to, they are not blind. They know we loved each other.

That sounds awful._ Loved_, huh. As if I could ever stop loving you.

I can't, and I won't. You are my first and last love. You are my first and last kiss. You are the first and the last person that made love to me. Our relationship was full of ''first times" and now it's also full of ''last times" but the one word that describes perfectly who you are to me is neither first nor last. You are the only one. Only one, Magnus…

And I don't even want to think what would happen if I never met you… We would be complete strangers… I would never know how beautiful person you are. I would probably never get over myself being gay. You made me complete… Before I met you I was like a child walking in the dark, but then you appeared and the light simply exploded around me blinding my senses for a moment. And then suddenly I could see the world brightly like it was.

Thank you, Magnus. For everything.

And please, don't do anything stupid, darling. Just don't. I believe you can get through this, it will get better, it has to.

I love you so much.

Yours,

Alec

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**A/N:**_ Thank you for reading. As always, please review. I love you all. :)_


	5. Letter 5

**A/N:** _Thank you all for reading previous letters and for the reviews. And I am so sorry about the delay, but I've been really busy with school and all that stuff. I hope you like this chapter._

**Disclaimer:** _I do not own The Mortal Instruments or any character in this fic. They all belong to Cassandra Clare._

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Dearest Alexander,

They say time heals every wound, then why it's getting even worse with each passing day?

I still can't bring myself to do magic again, but silly mundanes keep coming to my apartment complaining about 'lack of High Warlock's assistance'. Why can't they finally realize that I am not their pet? I knew I should have just dropped my title straight away.

You won't believe who visited me a few days ago.

Your mother. Maryse Lightwood, in her own flesh. I thought that maybe she wants me to do something for the Clave, but when she started speaking… My jaw dropped to the floor. First she offered me a shy smile and then said that she is sorry for my loss. It's the first time I saw her since… that day. I must admit I wasn't particularly pleased when I saw her standing behind the door, but when I heard that… I invited her in straight away.

That was the weirdest conversation I've ever had. She told me why she was so disapproving toward us – it was not because of what I am. She was just scared that you would be stripped of your Marks and banished.

''He was always so insecure and self-contained, but when I saw how he looks at you… How his eyes lit up every time he sees you… And yours did the same! The greatest blessing for a mother is when her child is being loved. You were never the problem – the Clave was." – that's what she said.

It warms my heart, knowing that she doesn't hate me. She should blame me for your death, but she doesn't.

You know, Alec, I'm thinking about leaving New York… This damn city only reminds me of you. It's not a bad thing though. I never leave my apartment, but I caught myself waiting for you to knock to my door really often. Sometimes I have these panic attacks because you don't call me and I think you went hunting and got hurt. I hit Isabelle's number but quickly hang up because I remember that you will never hunt again.

I was wondering if it's possible for me to lose my warlock status. If I could become ordinary man, and then die… Would there be salvation? Could I meet you then…?

I contacted my old friend Tessa Gray and asked her about it, because she understands me better than anyone – she's loved a Shadowhunter. Will Herondale, I think I mentioned him earlier, he's Jace's ancestor, I met him and Tessa in London. She promised to do some research about it, after I had to convince her for about an hour.

She's a good friend.

I know she will help me take away my burden. Because immortality is a burden, and so is being a warlock when your own magic fails you in the moment you need it the most.

I will never recover from your death, Alec, and I don't even want to. All I want is for you and I to reunite. And I will find a way. We will be –

…I'm sorry, someone knocked on my door and I had to stop writing. It was Tessa.

Alec, I found a way for us to be together again. Or rather Tessa found a person that can help me. We will see each other soon, darling!

There's hope now and I am going to stick to it, because it's the only thing I have left now.

I have to go start packing things for me and Chairman Meow.

I'm going back to London.

I love you so much.

Forever yours,

Magnus

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**A/N:**_ I hope you like this chapter, if you do(or don't) please leave a review. I love you all!_


	6. Letter 6

**A/N: _Hi guys! I've decided to post new letter earlier since you had to wait for so long to get the last one. I hope these letters don't bore you to death. I love you all!_**

**Disclaimer:_ I do not own The Mortal Instruments or any character in this fanfic, they all belong to Cassandra Clare._**

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Dear Magnus,

Can't you see it's all going to the wrong direction? You weren't supposed to look for a way to die! I really hope this Tessa girl is just trying to make you leave New York and start a new life, otherwise she will have to deal with me!

Honestly, she is someone from your past, someone immortal, and I wouldn't be surprised or hurt if you…

You're right. She's a good friend and she will not let you die. I'd rather die a thousand times more than see YOU dead. It will kill me more than my own death, Magnus.

Let's face it – you're Magnus Bane, the MAGNIFICENT High Warlock of Brooklyn, just suck it up! We both know it's not that easy – you die and come to me, no, Magnus, it can't be that easy. I'm sure it doesn't work like that.

You don't know what you're getting yourself into. Dying is not easy. You don't realize what I had to go through when I died. First, I felt numb, and I thought that's just it. Some kind of… peace, maybe? But then there was a lot of pain… The pain I didn't even acknowledge to exist. It was worse than a bite from a Greater Demon, which was the worst I experienced physically in my whole life. I wasn't tortured mentally, I could even say I was rewarded – rewarded with some kind of a memory lane, with you and me. It was bittersweet though, I could enjoy our nice moments but I also had to watch that terrible chapter of my life when we were apart because of my own stupidity. Well, it was… very realistic.

After I died and my tortures came to an end I actually didn't even realize that I'm dead. It's probably because I could still be on earth, well, just a bit, but I'm here, right? I'm by your side even if you can't see me. I couldn't understand why is everyone acting like they can't see me or hear me. Then I understood, when I saw my family all in white and you… Your agonized face… It will haunt me forever. I'm sorry, Magnus. Sorry for leaving you.

But you have to understand that what you're trying to do is wrong. Once again – this can't be that simple, Mags! I'm sure there is more to it than meets the eye and there are always consequences. Every choice has its own.

Just don't do anything reckless, okay?

You seem to be in love with the idea of death, but how's that possible? I saw you pack your things and you seemed… happy. Or excited. But I could see Chairman and I know he hates the idea of leaving New York. Plus, I thought that you were not feeling that much alone. You have to remember that even if I'm gone, which is not completely true, my family accepts you and love you. You saw worried Isabelle on your doorstep not once and not twice, right? You also talked with my mom, so you can't say you don't have anyone anymore. Actually, I can see that Jace is now on his way to your apartment.

It's just… me. I'm the only one who's missing. World is the same. Nothing changed. My love for you obviously hasn't changed and it will never do.

There are still many people who need your help, and you wouldn't have been given your title without a reason. You can't just abandon that.

I can't and I won't accept your death just like you refuse to accept mine. I love you too much to take your life away. Too much to let you do this to yourself. You always said that I am the one who is sensible and reasonable in our relationship, so listen to me just once, damn it!

It's not that I don't want to be with you here forever, I just don't want it to happen like this… You killing yourself. When your time comes and you die – just like any other person in the world – just like me, I'm more than willing to enjoy our time here. But not like this, Magnus!

No!

I will not let you!

I hope Jace can talk some sense into you. It's so frustrating – being here and having absolutely no chance to stop your actions, not even a chance to talk to you.

Just remember one thing, I know I keep saying that, but I will be saying that until the end of the world, because this is the only thing I'm sure of.

I love you. That will never change. No matter what you do, no matter what you say.

Yours always and forever,

Alec

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_**I hope you like it! If you got through it – please leave a review and tell me what you think. Thank you!**_


	7. Talking sense into Magnus

**A/N:** _Hello! Thank you for all great reviews. Today I decided to make something different… I just thought that Magnus' and Jace's talk is not something that would fit in a letter, that's why they got their own scene. Plus, I wanted to see how you would react to me writing something other than letters, because I'm planning to start my new Malec fanfiction. :)_

**Disclaimer:** _I do not own The Mortal Instruments or any character in this fic. They all belong to Cassandra Clare._

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Magnus took a piece of paper and a pen and sat on a chair in a living room. He put the paper on the table, took a deep breath and brought the pen closer to the page, but froze halfway. The truth was, he had nothing to write. Since the day Alec died… well, forty-seven days after he died, Magnus have felt irresistible urge to write these letters. But now… He had no idea what to say. The only thing that could make things better was death. He tossed the pen somewhere behind a couch. He must have hit Chairman Meow because he heard how he mewed angrily. Always so grumpy. _Since Alec left_, Magnus thought.

He never wanted to die over someone's death. None of his previous lovers were ever worth it. In his immortal life he has loved many people, but this one Shadowhunter… Alexander Lightwood… it was different with him. It's okay to love many people in your life, because when the time comes, someone will appear in your life and change it completely. Then you'll know he was the one. And that Alec was. The one. Magnus closed his eyes and tried to contain himself. He couldn't cry now, his fate was in his hands, and he had a plan. It had to work. _Please, let it work_, he prayed silently.

Then he understood that was not what he wanted to say to himself, but to Alec. He should share every good and bad thing about himself with him, because he was all his. Mind, body and soul. Forever. Even though some people thought it's nothing but words, Magnus knew the truth. And he hoped Alexander knew too.

Before he could reach for another pen and write everything he felt, he heard the door bell and swore silently. He decided not to open the door. He finally stopped hoping that one day he will see Alec standing there when he opens them. This could be either another annoying mundane or Downworlder in _desperate _need of help.

_Screw you all_, Magnus thought. _I'm in need of help too, not in a mood to help_. He started writing. It was so easy, almost as if he could really speak to him.

_My dearest Alexander,_

_My trip to London is postponed, because I've never even wondered how hard it is to give away the title. The Clave(yes, almighty Clave) has to accept my written request. But mentally I'm not High Warlock anymore. Ever since you died, I'm not. _

Magnus smiled. He rarely smiled now, but he found writing letters strangely calming. What else did he want to write? Ah, yes…

_I miss you. I miss your touch, the way you used to laugh, especially when something I did made you laugh. I miss falling asleep and waking up next to you. You always had to wake up first and stare at me while I was asleep. You had this adorable smile on your face, the smile worth dying for._

Well, he got to the point.

_Yeah, about that… I'm taking care of…_

The doorbell began to ring again, and this time Magnus stood up gritting his teeth and began walking hastily toward the door.

"Look," he began, but then he saw it was Jace. "What do you want?" he growled. Jace raised his eyebrow.

"What?!" Magnus asked not-so-nicely, but then he realized what he was wearing. A pink t-shirt with sequined words over the chest, that said _Keep Calm and Be a Princess._ "Oh."

"Yeah. Oh." Said Jace.

"This was a gift. From Alec." The warlock said and went back to the living room, where Jace followed him. He said nothing sarcastic, it seems he lost a bit of his temper after Alec's death. His parabatai rune was faded, but the emptiness left by his brother remained. Magnus sat on a yellow couch and gestured Jace to sit on another, pink one. Both of them remained silent, but the Shadowhunter broke it.

"What are you doing, Magnus?" he asked, staring at the Warlock intensely. "Trying to drop his title?"

Magnus sighed.

"Even if I AM trying to drop it, why do you care?"

"You're miserable. I can see it really well, and understand it even better. You loved him." Jace said.

"_Love_ him. Not _loved._" Magnus corrected him. This conversation was slowly beginning to tire him. He avoided looking at Jace because he didn't want him to see how wrecked he really is. "And what do you care if I'm miserable?"

Jace rolled his eyes and sighed in exasperation.

"I'm feeling a little… déjà vu – ish. You asked me that question before. You just changed the person you're referring to." His voice was calm, but on the inside he felt like this whole heavenly fire was eating him alive again. "Anyway, whatever you're trying to accomplish, what you think may be right at the moment it's not."

Magnus ran his fingers through his hair and spoke, trying to stay calm.

"Oh, really? Then what's right? How is anything right in this world now? Because I can't see it."

"You don't understand, do you? If you do something stupid… Then what's the point of Alec's death?" Magnus glared at Jace. How can he say such things? He was being cruel and he knew it.

"That's the point, Jace! His death has NO point! But I won't… I can't stay away from it anymore."

"You still don't get it. You think Alec would just let his guard down that much that he got himself killed?!" Jace shouted. He didn't mean to say this to Magnus, but he had to. He had to make him understand. Make him want to live. Save at least one life.

Magnus' eyed were wide open now, he was in deep shock.

"What do you mean?" he asked. When he wasn't given the answer he asked again, louder, almost in snarl. "What do you mean, Jace?!"

Shadowhunter took a deep breath. He knew he was going to break Magnus' heart, but he had to. That's the right thing to do, at least he tried to convince himself it was. He swallowed, but his throat was still tight, so he spoke quietly.

"Alec died thinking he was saving your life, Magnus. The demon we were fighting, he had this special ability to cause hallucinations, and he used it. On him."

Magnus was speechless. He was just breathing heavily and staring at Jace, tears beginning to fall down his cheeks. After few minutes he gained the ability to speak again.

"Leave." He said and his voice broke.

"What?" said Jace. Now he was even more worried. _By the Angel,_ he thought, _I think I've made a terrible mistake. _

"I said leave! Go away!" Magnus shouted. All these days he tried to remain sane, but now everything that he held tight to was gone. The wave of grief, sorrow and guilt rushed at him and he couldn't do anything but give himself up to them. He was sobbing uncontrollably at the thought of what Jace said to him.

That's it. He's a murderer. His sight killed his own mother, and now it killed Alexander. If it wasn't for Magnus… Alec would be alive.

Tears ran freely down his face and he couldn't catch a breath, it felt like there was absolutely no oxygen around.

_And maybe that's what it supposed to be. _

_That's how it's supposed to stay… _

Magnus ran out of his apartment leaving everything behind, because nothing mattered to him anymore.

Nothing at all.

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**_Phew, there it is! I know, it took me long to write it, but look, it's long! Jace was supposed to talk some sense into Magnus, but he only made things worse, sorry. He didn't mean to, and he feels awful, believe me. Ok, thanks for reading, and please, leave a review._**


	8. Magnus' Dream

**A/N:** _Hello! I'm so sorry for not updating regularly, but that's just how I am. Thank you so much for your reviews! :) As for Magnus and Alec… I have to say that I can't stand the thought of these two being apart, so I wrote something including their interaction. It's a kind of dream, but still counts ;)_

**Disclaimer:** _I do not own The Mortal Instruments or any characters in this fic, they all belong to Cassandra Clare._

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**MAGNUS' DREAM**

I felt something warm wash against my skin. I inhaled and suddenly my spiracles are attacked by a wave of so many scents that it seemed almost impossible for all of them to coexist in the same spot altogether. My eyes fluttered open and I realized that I am standing in the middle of a colorful meadow, bathed in the sunlight. _That's where the warmth came from._ It was an extraordinary to feel this warm. It was almost like a fever, but coming from the inside.

For a moment I actually enjoyed an amazing view – so many flowers, butterflies and all that stuff, but then I smelled something familiar. _Sandalwood. _The memories came back rushing towards me, it seemed like they were going to crush me and drain life from me. I began to recognize single words, some appeared more often than others. Grief, love, longing, guilt, loneliness, tears, agony, pain, torment, death…

_Alexander. _

_Alexander, Alexander, Alexander…_

And even more _Alexander._

Everything that just a few seconds ago was beautiful and breathtaking… was dead. The ground was dried out, all the butterflies ran away, I guess. That delicious warmth disappeared and a sheer cold took its place. My head was dizzy as I walked unstable in circles.

I realized I was not alone here. There was another man, sitting about ten meters away from me, but I couldn't see his face. Still, everything about this man was familiar. I recognized subtle muscles of his arms, a shape of his back and... his hair… it was as black as ink. My heart skipped a beat and my eyes were tearful. I swallowed and took a step forward. I wanted to shout out loud, but my voice only come out as a whisper.

"Alexander…" a ghost of a smile broke through the wall I built around myself and which I held tight to. A glimpse of hope appeared but as I learned from experience – it was temporary. Like taking another dose of the drug which surely is going to kill you, but on the other hand you just couldn't resist it.

Even though I was sure that was barely a whisper, he seemed to have heard it. Slowly he stood up and faced me. I was mesmerized by his beauty, he lit up the place just with his presence. Everything about his face brought back memories, _the way he used to smile at me, the way his lips used to work with mine_. _The way his eyes always lit up when he looked at me._ And there he was – my Angel, standing next to me. I took a few shaky steps forward and he did the same. Soon we were so close, that if we took one more step forward, we'd be touching.

Alexander smiled his little serene smile and his expression softened. Slowly he brought his hand closer to my cheek and caressed it gently.

"Hello, Magnus," he said and it was a pure symphony to my ears. New, fresh wave of memories embraced me. _The way he used to call out my name, the way he whispered trying to calm me down, simple words spoken in extraordinary way, quiet moans and purrs_.

"Alexander," this word was my own mantra, I could repeat it over and over and this would not weaken its meaning. "How…?"

"We are in your dream, darling," he answered my unfinished question.

A dream? That's it? _Maybe that's okay. _For a moment I felt peace, and I knew I wanted to stay here forever. If I woke up now, it would be terrible disappointment, but this moment was worth every pain.

"Screw it," I said shaking my head, then hugged him. "I don't care if it's real or not. I can feel you" I smiled through tears that were now running freely down my cheeks. He hugged me back and I heard him sniffling, I immediately knew he was also crying. I could always figure out that, after these years together I got to know him even better than myself.

Alec stopped crying and so did I. We were just looking at each other in amazement. Then I saw him frown and a little bit of anger appeared on his face. I wondered briefly what could that mean, why is he angry, and is it with me? But then he spoke quietly, but his voice was steady.

"What's wrong, Alec?" I asked, genuinely worried. He raised one of his eyebrows and looked at me as if I was crazy.

"You ask me, what's wrong? You tell me. You think I can't see you?" he answered, but honestly I had no idea what he was talking about. "Why are you so determined to be on this whole suicide mission, Magnus?"

I was left speechless, even though I really _felt _that he was reading what I wrote in those letters. And he was watching over me. I know that. I'm not stupid, well, at least not in this case.

I swallowed hard and looked down at the ground, then whispered the words that had been in my head for a really long time.

"I can't live without you," his expression once again softened and he took my hands in his.

"But you have to. Have you wondered why this meadow is so… dead? It's because you built up a wall around you, and you don't want to let anyone in. And you're dying inside, just like everything here," he said. My mouth was a thin line now and I shook my head in disbelief.

"I know that, trust me, I know, but I need you. _You_, Alec. You," I locked my eyes with his. "I know you're always near me. Trust me, I do. But it's not enough… I wake up every day and realize you're not here anymore, and it kills me, slowly and painfully," I confessed.

He nodded in understanding, but I knew he still hasn't said the last word. _Lightwoods, they always have to have the last word, _I thought, just like when he came to see me after I saved him from Abbadon's poison.

"Please, Magnus. Do it for me, I want you to live," Alec said and then thought about something for a little while. "You know, I've been writing letters as well. It sucks that you can't read them though," he smiled at me.

"I will, someday," I wiped away that one little tear that escaped his eye and ran slowly down his face. "I promise."

Then I remembered something else, my conversation with Jace, and pain tore me in half. Alec must have noticed my expression changing, because he looked at me, worried.

"I know what you did," I said. He closed his eyes and nodded. He understood. He knew exactly what I was talking about. And yet, he didn't seem to regret doing what he did. "I know that you got killed because you saw _me_, and I wanted to apologize for that," he looked as if I slapped him in the face.

"I've made my choice, Magnus!" he shouted, then added, calming down a bit. "I thought you were in danger, you know you would do the same thing, and I would do it again, in a heartbeat,"

I could only stare at him. _My little Shadowhunter… Putting his life in danger because of me, for me. Because he loves me. _That was true, what he said. I wouldn't hesitate. I would gladly give up my life just so he could still live.

Then I understood. I couldn't waste his sacrifice and just kill myself. I couldn't disrespect him like that. I will have to learn how to live every day and make it worth it. Little steps, _one thing at a time._

"Please, tell me, that you understand," he pleaded. I smiled and took his face in my hands, then kissed him on the lips. _I missed this… _His lips tasted just like always, and I felt so calm and happy.

"I do," I whispered and he smiled, his cheeks blushing. "Thank you, Alexander," that was something he needed to hear, just once.

Suddenly, he took me once more in his arms and deep inside I knew this may be the last time I've ever experienced that. _But maybe… Maybe he could still visit me sometimes in my dreams. Like today._

"You are ready to wake up, Magnus," he whispered, his voice shaking. None of us moved away, because this was the place where we both belong. "I love you," he said softly.

"I love you, too, my dear Alexander," these words were like a melody. It was so obvious, but still saying this made both of our hearts melt. "Please, visit me again soon, Alec," I pleaded, feeling everything blur around me. I was dragged away from him again, just like he was dragged away from me when death was taking him home.

I couldn't feel nor see him anymore, but I could still hear him whispering into my ear, two words that made me eager to look forward for the future.

"_I promise_."

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**Wow, look, it's the longest chapter so far! I know I had to write letters but I was in desperate need of writing Malec like this. I hope you guys liked it, remember – reviews are love ;)**


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